It's 3AM, I can't be the only one awake.

The 3-Year Itch

As performed in EXPRESSING MOTHERHOOD Fall 2012 at The Banshee Theater in Burbank, CA
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(Shannon enters a swanky hotel room dressed for a night out and in heels that she has obviously not worn for a long time. Her overnight bag looks very much like a Diaper Bag.  There is a male prostitute on the bed.)

Hello?
Hellooo?  Oh. Hi!  Hi there.
I wasn’t sure this was the right room.
I’ve never been to this hotel before. Oh my god!  You’re not wearing in clothes.  OK.  Wow.  I guess this is the right room.  And wow look at that view, you can see the whole city from up here.
What do I want to do first?  Oh goodness, I don’t know.   I’ve never done anything like this before.  My girlfriends put me up to this.  They told me it would be just like an episode of Hung.  They were right.
I should close the
door.   I told my husband I had book
club.
How much did they pay you?  Never mind. God that’s rude.  I’m sorry.
I’m just so nervous.  I can’t believe
how nervous I am.  I’m sweating.  Are those scarves? Are you going to tie me
up? I read Fifty Shades of Grey.  I know all about that.  I made the mistake of reading that book while
on a family vacation.  In Texas.  On Dude Ranch.  Probably not the best
choice.  Cowboys are hot.   And I am not single!   I’m married!
I have children.   I can’t believe I’m here. But I just turned
40!  You’re supposed to do stuff
like this when you turn 40 right.  Start checking off your Bucket List?  Actually, paying for sex has never been on my Bucket List.  But my
girlfriends are paying for this so I feel like I should at least…
Look, I’m here because my husband thinks I’m no
fun anymore.  He said that to me in
marriage counseling.  He said, “Honey,
you’re no fun anymore. You’re not the same person I married.”  I was crushed.  And then I almost punched him in the face.  Really?  You don’t think I’m the same person you
married?  Hmmmm.  I wonder why?
Is that because since I’ve married you I’ve had two babies, gained 400
pounds, completely lost my identity and not slept for more than 4 hours on any
given night?  Do you think that has
anything to do with it?  I mean I have
just this week handed down my last pair of maternity jeans.  My children are 2 and 3 years old!  This has not been an easy week for me.  I had to buy regular jeans.  And regular jeans are not comfortable.  They cut into your belly.  If you have had a baby and your jeans do not have an elastic waist band they are going to hurt.  And they’re labeled weird too. The
jeans I had to buy today were labeled 16X33.  I felt like I was buying wood at Home Depot.
I’m no fun anymore?  I felt like we were making some
progress.  I was just starting to like
him again.  My friend Anne has this
theory that 3 years into raising your kids you kind of wake up, like you’ve been in a dream.  Or a nightmare.  And you look in the mirror and say,  “OK, well
that was some sort of wild, twisted,  upside down roller coaster ride, now who am
I again?”  She calls it the 3-year
itch.  I call it the 3-year bitch!  Because according to some people in my family I have been a complete bitch for the past 3 years.  But these last 3 years have not exactly been normal!  I wrote a song about it.  Wanna hear it?  I’ll just sing a little bit of it.   
(Sung to the tune of the Lone Ranger theme song)
“What
the fuck? What the fuck?  What the fuck –
fuck – fuck?  What the fuck?  What the
fuck? What the fuck – fuck – fuck?  What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck – fuck – fuck?  What the FUUUUUUCCKKK?  What the fuck – fuck- fuck?”
That’s
what it feels like when you hit this 3 year mark.  It’s like “What the Fuck?”  At least now my kids can use actual words,
which means they can do more than bang their little heads on the floor when they’re
mad.   I have a red head and that kid can
throw a serious tantrum.   I love
my boys.  They’re the most amazing things
on the planet. But I feel like I’ve been spinning in a circle for 3 years like a
hippy at a Grateful Dead show and I’m just now starting to slow down.
Not fun anymore!?  Well maybe if he wasn’t such a…I’m not sure
we’re going to make it.  I don’t know
what to do.  Do you know that one in
three marriages ends in divorce?
It doesn’t make any sense.  I thought I was fun.  I spend at least an hour a day pretending to
be a dinosaur.  My house looks like a
miniature Lego Land and yesterday my kids sharpied my couch. How much
more fun does it get?
I don’t think he’s talking about fun. I
think he’s talking about sex!  And when
was the last time sex was fun?
1986?  Sex is not fun right now.  Sex is a hassle.  It means I have to take a bath, shave my
legs, and then I have to find enough energy to pretend I am interested.  I’m sure you understand.  And then, When and where
are we supposed to have the sex?  We
tried to sneak off once; we put the kids in front of the TV, turned on Dinosaur Train and ran downstairs to
the bedroom. It was the fastest sex I’ve ever had in my life and it ended when my youngest
fell down the stairs!  Dum, dum, dum,
THUMP!  Right down the stairs.
I had to hold the little Boo Boo Buddy on his poor little head while I was naked.  It was awful.
My husband always wants to do it after the kids go to bed, but by
the time I’m done feeding, bathing, and reading 17 rounds of Fire Engine Man I’m exhausted!  I’ll tell you what he should
do if he wants to have sex with me.  He
should clean the house, board the dog, send the kids next door, give me an hour
alone in the bathroom and then – just rape me.
I’m serious, if he just came up behind me and
starting ripping off my clothes I wouldn’t have time to think about it.  He would have to have
a condom though.  God help us all if I
got pregnant again.   I mean I’d love to
have more kids…if I lived on a farm.
I think I’m pre-menopausal.  It’s an actual thing you
know.  My moods are crazy.  I have hot flashes.  And when I get mad at my husband, I get
really mad.  Like Irish football
fan mad. Last week, I got so mad at him that I literally pushed him into a wall.  I’m not proud of it, but
it was not unwarranted and he should have just moved out of the way. I’ve seen
a lot of movies and European women are always pushing their men and getting away with
it.  My husband said that if I ever
pushed him again it was over.  I wish I
were European.
You look tired.
Do you
want some coffee?  We should get some coffee.  There’s a Starbucks down in the lobby.  Let’s go.  Do you know that my husband
doesn’t even drink coffee?  Can you
imagine?  We’ve actually
figured out how to live as roommates.
It’s not bad.  It works for us. He
sleeps upstairs on the couch and I sleep downstairs with the kids.  We’re both fine with this.  My sister-in-law isn’t.  She keeps asking me when I’m going to kick
the kids out of my bed.   I say, “I don’t know, when
are you going to kick your dog out of yours? ”
And then I remind her that neither of my kids shed.  And then to avoid confrontation, I take my iPhone and sneak off to the
bathroom to play Words with Friends.  Do you play Words with Friends?  I’m terrible at it.  But I love to
play.  We could play sometime.  I’m sure you already have a lot of people to play with huh?
Well, I guess I should wash my hands before we get started.  Do you know that today my oldest kid pooped
on my shoe?  He was so proud of it too.  He looked up at me and said. “Mommy, I go
poopy.”  And sure enough, there it was.  His poopy.
On my shoe.  Not these shoes.  Oh God no.
I have only worn these twice in my life.
In 2006 at my cousin’s wedding and tonight.   I
I was
so sad at that wedding.  My husband couldn’t be there.  He was in Texas with his Mom.  She was in the hospital.  In a coma.  And I couldn’t be there for him.  I had to be at this wedding in KY.  It was heartbreaking.  I was so sad.  I missed him so much.
That’s it.  I miss my husband.  Oh my God.  I don’t regret having our kids but our lives
are so different now.  And it
changed overnight.  We thought
we were ready.  We were excited.  We bought blankies and toys and these cute little baby socks.  But there is no way to know what it’s like
until you’re in it.  And then one day those
little socks aren’t so cute anymore and you’re just in this shit storm.  You’re not
sleeping, and you’re hungry, and your house smells like sour milk and urine. You’re
screaming at each other and nit picking every little thing the other one does.   I boss
my husband around as if he had no idea what he was doing.  And to be fair, usually he doesn’t but…Oh my
God!  I don’t want to get divorced.    We’ve been throwing that word around like
it was nothing.  We even spell it out so
our kids don’t know what we’re talking about.  It’s so hard right now.  It is so much work.  But I love him.  And I love our kids.  And he’s right.  I am not the same person he married.  I’m a mommy now.  I’m a mommy.
And I am sooo tired.  Do you think we could just order
room service and watch Breaking Bad?