It's 3AM, I can't be the only one awake.

As performed at Expressing Motherhood LA Jan. 2011…

(singing to my toddler)”I like to ooot ooot ooot oooples and banooonoos…I like to ooot ooot ooot oooples and banooonoos…”
Mommy has to go potty.  Oh I know it’s so hard.  I’ll be right back.  And we’ll sing some more.  It’s OK.  Mommy will be right back.  I know, I know.  Booker’s mad. He’s so mad.  He says NO MOMMY no go to the potty mommy.  Mommy will be right back.  No sweetie don’t climb in the play pen, I don’t want you to climb in the play pen honey. That’s for little brother.  See little brother?  On your butt.  Can you sit on your butt?  No?  Booker’s so mad, he’s so mad.  He says I want to climb in the play pen, I really want to climb in the play pen.  Grrrrrrrr.  How ‘bout we count, can you count til Mommy gets back?  1.2.3. No? You don’t wanna count?OH FUCK IT!  Just cry.  I’ve gotta pee.
(I head to bathroom, close the door and lock it and then I kneel down to pray)
Dear Lord in Heaven,
You gotta help me out here.  I am this close to an anonymous drop off at Cedar Sinai. How do people do it?  I see other mommies that look like they have no problem but I’m a wreck Lord, I don’t know what to do? I don’t know who I am any more.  I think I used to be sort of cute and maybe at least a little fun to be around.  I know that in the past if someone or something had peed on me I would have at least changed my shirt. Now I just spray it with Febreeze.
And Lord, I’m losing a lot of hair.  No one told me my hair would fall out.  It’s bad enough I’ve started dressing like a camp counselor but am I gonna go bald too?  My husbands gonna love that.
Do you know what he did yesterday Lord? He literally left me a post it that said I NEED SEX.  No foreplay, no romance, just a post it note. Does he think I’m going to respond to that? When I do have sex with him my mind goes bananas.  All I can think about is how to rearrange my living room to make room for more toys. With every thrust I change the position of the couch at least twice, is that so bad?
And Lord, please forgive me, but I cannot speak toddlerese.  I really love Harvey Karp, I do, but I’m convinced that I have the unhappiest toddler on the block.  I think the book is geared more towards little girls right?  Nowhere in there does it talk about how little boys just wanna bang on shit all day long!  Hard.  They bang really hard.  Glass, wood, my face; it doesn’t matter, they just bang bang bang bang!
I’ve tried time-ins, time-outs, hand checks, the “fast food” technique.  I think actual fast food would work better.  Chicken nuggets and fries would probably buy me a smooth diaper change.  What is it with the diaper changes?  I am wiping his ass, why is he kicking me in the face?  Someone told me that I should change him standing up because when I lay him down he feels like a little baby.  Well, the thing is Lord, he is a little baby and I can’t wipe his poopy butt when he is running around my living room.  This morning I had to straddle him, sing a song and give him a cookie; I still got poop in my fingernails.
I have a question?  Why would we call anything hand, foot, mouth disease?  It sounds horrible.  I mean we don’t call a cold; yellow, green, flem disease, we just say; a cold.  And the scientific name for it is Coxsackie!  Really?  Coxsackie! Uggg.
I know it sounds like I’m not grateful but really Lord I am.  There are many things I love about being a mom.  Mainly that birthday parties start at 10am.  This is a great idea considering that by 10 I’ve been up for about 6 hours and could really use a party.
I’m having a hard time being a good wife God.  I don’t have time to be sensitive to my husbands needs.  I’m terrible.  People say, “you’ve really gotta take care of your man, he gets neglected when the babies come.”  Oh Really?  Boo hoo!  What about me?  I get neglected.  I have one kid sucking the life out of me, hanging off my nipple and the other hanging off the balcony where does that leave me?  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been nursing the baby and had to run across the playground with my boob hanging out to get my oldest to stop throwing sand.  My dignity is out the window!
And Lord, I have to confess; I do use the TV as a crutch.  If I need to cook breakfast or wash dishes I turn it on.  If Booker’s first hero is DJ Lance Rock is that so bad?   I’m in survival mode!  Whatever gets me through the day.
Do you remember the Tasmanian devil cartoons? You know the devil that spins around and creates a little tornado wherever he goes?  That’s my son.  I’m supposed to call it “spirited.”  But I looked up Tasmanian Devil on Wikipedia and it said: Taz was best known for his speech consisting mostly of grunts, growls and whines; CHECK and his ability to spin and bite through just about anything. CHECK. I love my little guy.  He’s courageous and fun.  He explores everything and it melts my heart.  It’s just that he’s non-stop and with the new baby, well it’s pretty hard to handle them both.  The only alone time I get with the little one is in the middle of the night when he has somehow managed to snuggle up under my arm and nurse my unshaven armpit! How does he get there?
I pretty sure that Booker hates me anyway.   He never eats the food I cook for him.   I’ve breaded asparagus and dipped it in honey, made zucchini muffins with chocolate!  I can’t get him to eat anything but puffs.  Not like the Dugger kids.  I think they eat organic vegetables from their own garden!
Can we talk about the Duggers for a minute?   I’m sure you know them; they’re the family on the “19 Kids and Counting” show!  They LOVE you. I know people make fun of these shows and these people but I really dig the Duggers.  Mrs. Dugger is always so happy and bright.  I wanna be like that.  Maybe MORE kids is the answer!  If I had 17 older kids to help with the two youngest I think I could be happy and bright too. Or maybe I should just move to Europe.  My girlfriend always says, “If we were parenting in Europe would this really be an issue? “ And generally, the answer is NO.  Plus they get to drink wine all day and that is something I am totally behind.
Everyone says, “enjoy your kids that they grow up so fast.” HA.  This I the slowest thing I’ve done in my entire life!  I don’t have to tell you that I spend most of the day praying for bedtime!
Maybe the problem is I’m just totally outnumbered Lord.  My husband, the dog and our two boys.  It’s like a methane gas factory in there.  I need a girl.  They seem so much easier.  There clothes are cuter, they smell sweeter and they can just sit for extended periods of time and play with one toy.  I was in a playgroup once with mostly little girls and they had a play date at the library!
I know you’ve heard all this stuff a million times Lord but what’s the catch?  How do mothers do it?  How will I make it through the next…30 years!



***(Crash/baby crying SOUND FX)***

Oh God!  That does not sound good.
I gotta go but thanks for listening Lord.  You’re the only adult I’ve talked to today and I feel much better.
Oh, before I go, please forgive me for calling my husband a mother fucker.  I mean technically that is what he is, but I didn’t mean it that way and I’m sorry.  AMEN.
(Leaving the bathroom, pulling a pacifier out of her cleavage)
Shit!  I totally forgot to pee!

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